A letter on loss of a baby

This morning was about reflection and letting go. I’m treating myself to a favorite cup of joe, since I haven’t had one in 3 months because I was pregnant. You might be thinking, why would you post this? Well, because it happens and happens more than it should. This is not the first time either, but this is the furtherest and by far the hardest loss ever. There is so much grief & guilt that comes with this loss of a baby. Especially when it is still inside of you. Most parents never get to express it. It’s traumatic. Especially this far along. I’ve heard this babys heart beat, I’ve seen its little developing body, I gave it safe harbor to grow for the small time it was mine.
This is beyond brutal. A life defining experience of temporary suffering.
How do you begin to grieve in this situation? It’s a death of a person I never met. A soul I never got to touch, but yet was intimately a part of me for the last months.
It’s hard to say good bye when you didn’t even get to say a proper hello.
I understand this is a private matter most would never mention, but I’m exhausted, devastated and can’t pretend this didnt happen.  I also have the physical body changes of pregnancy to remind me when looking in the mirror.
My post today would have been an annoucement of life and our growing family, but it’s instead of grief and mourning. I’m also terrified for my first surgery on Tuesday to release this baby from my body. There needs to be a better name for this than miscarriage. It doesn’t seem to convey the truth of the situation this far along.
Everything happens for a reason. I do believe this. I do believe the universe made a call for us that maybe we never could have. I was reading a book given to me by one of my spiritual guru friends last night and there was this powerful quote that I took with me into today.
From: The book of JOY, “the more we heal our own pain, the more we can turn to the pain of others…the way we heal our pain is actually by turning to others pain. The more we turn towards others, the more joy we experience, and the more joy we experience the more joy we can bring to others.”
“Joy is contagious, so is love, compassion and generosity.”
This post is meant to be a reminder of life, adversity and also to share in pain so that joy can come from it.
If this touched you or you can relate please dont suffer, share your pain. “we are meant to do this life thing together” as my friend @chelsearising would say.

 

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